Jenelle:
Well, Jenelle is back in casa de Barb aka Barbie’s Dream House. Barb acts all surprised that Jenelle moved back already. Really, Babs? Really? Anyskankyhoody, Jenelle is stressed about court and the weeeeeeed and Barb is stressin' about all her furnitaaah. Which needs to be moved into storage. I hope they lock that shit up or Keiffah will upgrade his address from 531 Grassy Knoll to Storage Unit #56.
Jenelle sees a lawyer at Sullivan & Snow. What a name for a law firm. You really shouldn’t send a druggy to a place with snow in the title. They’ll get the wrong idea. To my great disappointment, she gets Sullivan and all of my coke jokes go out the window. Sully proceeds to ask Jenelle if drug paraphernalia was found “on her person” Uh…what?! I don't want to know anything about Jenelle's "person." Anyway, court is approaching and I’m sure we’re in for a treat. Enter the Ammmbuuuuh Story Line Pt 2 where her story consists of complaining, holding down a couch (I GOT COUCHES!), and complaining she misses her child. My only dream is that baby Jace will call his mother by her first name in Barb’s accent and tell her to go to her wooom.
Oh, joy…another random friend here for support. Is this the same girl from a few weeks ago who was obviously doped out of her mind? Yeah, solid choice to take to a court hearing for drugs. Jenelle and high-eyes then pick Keiffah up at the Grassy Knoll and proceed to the courthouse. Jenelle looks like she is all prepped and ready to be an inmate (or a baker) in her all white attire.
Keiffah gets his B&E and drug charges dropped. Back to the grassy knoll for him! Jenelle gets probation and can’t drink or smoke or be around anyone who does drugs or has impending drug charges. So, she can’t be around any of her friends. Well, we can see how this is going to end. As soon as they get back to the car, enter the screaming fit of a 5 year old. Our poor little pot head has anxiety and want to go home and smoke and chill. I think she should get a hobby. Like searching for hidden booty with Pirate Mike or being a meat slicing apprentice with Barb at WalMart. But mainly, Barb needs to be in every Jenelle segment. I’m not going to lie, I’ve got a fevaah, and the only prescription is more Barbara.
Leah:
We begin our Redneck Fairy Tale in a random park where kids likely test their tetanus shots beyond any reasonable limit. While on a swing, Goggles tries to un-goggle. Bad goggles! Anyhomelychildren, Leah is pissed at Corey (again) Gee, wonder how this will turn out? Will they work it out? THE SUSPENSE! Oh, wait…shit. Neeevermind! Anyway, she says he won’t communicate. Um, I’m sorry. Is this a new development? Have we, “the America,” not known this for years now. Maybe he’s trying to communicate but Leah can’t understand him as she can't see his subtitles at the bottom of a screen so she’s probably just confused.
Everyone, please take a moment to rejoice with me over the return of Corey’s hat and its string. I had a moment last week where I was rather upset that it might have gone away for good. Whew. Anyway, they argue and Corey reveals he feels they rushed things, blaah, blahh... But really, all I can think about is who gets the iconic hat in the divorce. Can I petition the courts of West Virginia to give it to an official IBBB museum?
Mama Dawn bought the girls some presents, ya’ll! And found Leah a good ol trailer home to do her livins in and bath her babies. Leah doesn’t go look at it for herself, just trusts that Mama Dawn and Papa/Uncle Lee know how to pick a good trailer. After her one day of work, she brings it up to Corey. He flips shit and they both blame the other for everything. I’m secretly hoping they will take out their rage on those puffy leather couches with knives all for our beloved Patrick.
Anyone else cringe when Corey pulls his hat over his nose? I can’t imagine how awful that smells. I’m guessing it’s like a million smashed cave crickets mixed with a coal mine and sewage. We end on a bright and cheery note of Corey saying he doesn’t want to make a decision right now about being with Leah. Again, the suspense is killing me. (Not)
Kail:
So, her lawyer’s name IS Kate. It’s so Kate Gosselin. You know she knows her shit about getting child support from a bum!! The child support appeal is postponed because Jo’s lawyer wants more time to gather information. Like what? Give Jo more time to make another rap vid to show he’s legit and shouldn't have to give money to his son but further this career?
Ohh, snap! Jo has a new girl and Kail immediately asks if it’s a groupy. Can you have groupies if you made one craptastic YouTube vid and live with your parents? The only groupy I ever want to see around Jo is Janet and her mustache doing a bootyclap. Barb may join in but that's it.
Jo wants to meet Jordan. I immediately wonder if he ever pulled a Ryan and inquired about Jordan being slow. I know that’s crossed my mind. And don’t lie, you’ve thought it too. Jordan is flipping out about this whole meeting deal. You’d think he was also going to face the wrath of Janet’s mustache. Anyfuzzfaces, the meeting day finally arrives. Yeah, so, this isn’t awkward at all. Big Dude Jordan just sits there like a child in time out. Jo is sporting an odd amount of flannel patterned shirts in this episode. Is he taking style tips from Corey is it the new “gangsta” style in PA? Is he trying to make gangsta meet grunge?!
Chelsea:
Bricks is going to mall walk for premature babies. Bricks complains about wanting a boyfriend. Bricks gets a balloon hat. Bricks is bricks.
That's all I have, folks!! I hope this has been a suitable crutch in the absence of your dearest IBBB author, Patrick. Hope he’s paaahtyin’ his ass off in L.A.! Please comment away as you would on the normal blog!! I think he will be proud!
I'm likely going to recap Jersey Shore recap on Thursday when, according to the previews, Snooki will school us on UTIs.
